Day 3: Grief Playlist

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. -Vicki Harrison

30 day blogging challenge details available at I Love You Potato.

I’m hijacking this prompt.  Rather than an infertility playlist, I give you my brief grief playlist.  These are mainstream (so un-hip), but I don’t listen much to the radio anymore, so haven’t tired of them yet.  They’re the few songs that have really stuck with me lately.

“All of Me” by John Legend (YouTube)

Who doesn’t love a song that talks about loving all my curves and edges?  Especially since my body is different having carried twins and the intense hunger they brought.  “Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too.”  DH and I both found this song very triggering in the wake of our loss, but now when I hear it, I almost like that it gives me pause to think about and remember my boys.

“Chandelier” by Sia (YouTube)

Wild abandon and complete disregard of consequences.  Let’s make some bad choices.   I want to live like tomorrow doesn’t exist.  Of course, it’s easy for me to romanticize it now because I obviously can’t drink.  I’m over the party scene and would prefer my late nights to focus on bonding and feeding and diapers.  Well, okay, not really diapers.

“Habits” by Tove Lo (YouTube)

You’re gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I’m missing you

It’s ironic, because I didn’t do any of that, except for the one day I sat down to have a glass of wine and drank the whole bottle (I think somewhere in the CD 1-7 range).  And I’m not trying to actively forget them, rather songs like this make me think of them.  I am very good now about making songs intended to be about ended relationships instead about my lost sons.