It’s been awhile. It’s a good thing, mostly. Not blogging means the real world is keeping me sufficiently busy and I’m not so bored or anguished that I need to distract myself by emotionally vomiting onto a Web page (because that’s how I blog).

So here we go. Update time.

What screws us up most is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be.

Six cycles of two-lines-but-just-kidding-you’re-not-really-pregnant and my ob/gyn has agreed to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). She didn’t use that term though. She used the I-word. The bad word. It makes me bristle. It speaks to the profound sense of shame surrounding infertility, even knowing many people out in the world who’ve used Clomid or other assistance to conceive. I suspect it’s something everyone goes through.

Dreaming of BellyBut enough denial. It’s clear I must be subfertile. It’s INSANE to have repeated chemical pregnancies, my uterus rejecting what must be poor quality embryos every month except for the blighted ovum it let nestle in like a mindless parasite—complete with growing placenta and empty sac—until I forcefully evicted it. The twins were the only time I was successful at conceiving—which seems like an enormous fluke now. I feel like I could eventually conceive on my own again, but who knows how long it will be until the conditions are just right? I’m ready to accept help now, and my age finally puts me in my HMO’s allowable RE referral range after six failed cycles of diligent trying. I know. “Only” six months of trying the second time around—“she was only trying __ months” is a common complaint I hear regularly. However, if I am eligible for help to move up my timeline… I am ready for it.

Not that I’m excited to be pregnant again, because I expect to be living in daily fear. The first trimester will be all about worrying whether the pregnancy is viable, and the second (and third) trimester will be spent expecting preterm labor. Can I skip ahead to the baby?

Having spoken to a benefits analyst, RE visits and Rx are $0 with my awesome (albeit expen$ive) double coverage in 2015. (I will have to call back and find out cost for each procedure if ordered.) DH and I elected to splurge on double coverage for me to eliminate surprise hospital bills if I give birth in 2015, but if the benefit instead (or in addition) goes to RE visits, at least I’m getting my money’s worth.